lying, loving, hating

I should start at the beginning, wherever that it. I am married to a man who has had crazy relationship troubles in the past. He waffles between nice and not. He is currently in therapy and being looked at for a diagnosis of Borderline Personality disorder. He’s a Gemini as well, and I am a Virgo.

I am supposed to be starting a Dialectal Behavior Treatment “DBT” group next week. One of the things DBT teaches is distress tolerance. I could sure use that, living with him. There’s a book called ” I hate you, Don’t leave me.” that very much sums up how this marriage goes.

A couple months ago he tried to kill himself. A week ago he told me he was going to his grandmas house, when he was really 50 miles away trying to meet the other woman. Today I am in bed sick. He told me he was going to go see his mom and his grandma. Several hours he returned, waking me up. I asked him how is family was. He told me that he didn’t see them, and nonchalantly told me he lied to me again.

I know he is a sick man. Still, is there anyway here I can think that he wants me? He says he loves me and wants to grow old with me. If he would just show it, I would gladly believe it.

He is frequently disrespectful to me. He wont go anywhere with me, save the occasional grocery store. He couldn’t care less about being kind to me. I listen to his stupid words and think we can make it, that just a bit more therapy will help. That one day he will learn how to share his feelings. Well, wake up lady, he has. Just a week ago he was promising no more lies. Today he boasts of lying to me.

I deserve better. He’s a fantastic lover and I love him. Those are pretty big things, but they aren’t close to enough. Last week it was discovered that neither of us is willing to give up our house. It’s a good thing it’s a big house. Whatever it is, it’s on.