moving on

It seemed like a great idea for us to share house for another month or two. It sure didn’t work out to be possible. Things are just about unbearable around here. After over 15 years sober, he has started drinking again. He is just as miserable as I am. It is time for us to give up.

I found a little house for myself. I am moving in at the end of the month. It is a darling little 2 bedroom, just right for me and all the granddaughters.The 28th my daughters baby shower will be here.There were to many people invited to want to move it now. The following two days I move. I would prefer to do so on Monday, so we can do whatever talking we need to do on Sunday and he will be at work while my friends are here helping me move. Whatever works out is going to have to be fine.

I have known him since I was 5. We have been friends since I was 18, and I’m 45 now. I was so in love with him. The person he portrays outside of the home is an amazing man. We have struggled with communication all of our 4 years together, but we had such a passionate love that we thought we could make it work. We did so well together. We knocked down the majority of his debt, he got his dream job, we moved home and bought this beautiful house. We took some nice vacations. When we weren’t fighting it was wonderful being with him. He’s now in some downward spiral and I can’t save him. To much has happened and I don’t want to even try fixing it anymore. It is very sad. I cry a good bit. I am saying bye to some big dreams. I do look forward to all the good stuff that is yet to come. I am just also sad about all that has been lost. He was a big love for me. I thought he was home.

I pray he will someday be as happy as I will be. I give him to God, there sure isn’t anything I can do.

My brother is bringing his van. One of his cousins and a friend of hers is bringing a pick up. A dear lifelong friend is bringing his pickup with canopy on. I can’t imagine taking more then one trip with all of that help. Thankfully I am a minimalist who has a good village.

A shiny new start

The two rooms upstairs are getting comfortable. My living room is still intact, as is my home business corner in his living room. I wont bother with the kitchen until moving time. I have been sorting, paring down, and packing what I can. I’m a minimalist so it hasn’t been to hard. It would be easier if I didn’t have to juggle the kids spaces. I don’t want things to change to much for them. It seems weird enough to the older two that I changed bedrooms.

My kids and grandkids are gifts that I enjoy every chance I get. My daughter has her 3 and 4 year old stepdaughters on weekends. My son lives an hour away, and I take his 8 month old daughter two or three days every couple weeks. My daughter is having a daughter in January. Sis is in college and lives close. She comes over often to use the computer in my office. Her partner is always with her. He is like a son to me as well. Sis found a real keeper. He is always a willing handyman and he is very good to our girls. We share a lot of dinners. My son is moving closer when his lease is up at the years end. He will transfer to the same community college that his sister goes to. I hope he will be around for a lot of dinners too.

On Sundays I have been going to a church that a few of my old friends also go to. Yesterday I took the step grandkids with me. That was really special. I love church, and I am so proud of my beloved grandkids. I look forward to church all week. That’s pretty exciting for one who was so badly hurt by a church that for over 20 years I left the whole religion. This afternoon an old friend from church is replacing a turn signal light for me. I will have him over for dinner, with other friends, and probably after I’ve moved. The energy in this house is pretty unpredictable right now. Atmosphere is as important as food at mealtime.

Once the new baby is born I will be blessed to be her full time babysitter. It is going to be such joy! I adore the wee ones. This should happen just as the paint dries on my new home. I have so much to look forward to.

In the meantime I am getting ready for an easy move, and preparing for the last holiday season this particular family will spend together. The new baby shower is the Saturday after thanksgiving. There are winter plays to be seen.

It’s rainy and grey today. I’m gonna go put a pot of something in the crock pot. I’ll whip up some kind of a bread to come out of the oven around 5 or 6. It’s a good day for comfort food.

I am on disability and can’t afford to move until my car is paid off. It looks like that will be in January or February. It would break us both to part any sooner. My little online sales thing is improving, but it is far from able to support me.

Im glad you are mad at me.

You have been so nice lately. I know that this thing can’t work. As song as we are sharing the house, it would be nice if we could find some comfort in one another.

I try to stay strong. I have fallen for your dark skin, strong arms, and all that far to many times. Or I get scared and just don’t want to sleep alone. We end up right back where we started.,hurting and hurting each other, over and over again.

This house sharing is agony. May it not really take me another month to move out. We just need to pay off my car
first. Then two households will be a snap.

I’m being pretty generous to just give you the house. I only want 3 rooms of furniture. Our kitchen won’t be hard to divide. I’m not attached to a lot. I would like the painting we got as a wedding gift. I’m sure you would rather keep the more expensive art piece.

Things have been so relaxed that last few days that I started noticing how good looking you are. When I came home today I was thinking about maybe playing real nice for a little while. I’m glad you are mad at me.

How does one feel God when they’re in the desert?

learning in Seattle

I needed to be very sure about what I want now. My husband has been my friend forever. Financially we are much better together then we would be apart. Being real here, my business wouldn’t support a latte habit and the disability I get for my stupid back isn’t enough for me. I don’t know how to be poor.  I will happily learn.

Our house will become his house. I don’t want the yard, would need to rent out rooms to afford it, and we can’t sell it. There is a large vanishing second on it. It would be foolish to sell it this decade. Leaving means walking away from the equity, at 45 just walking away.  The cost of not is just to high.

Likely I will end up in a very small apartment. I don’t even know if I will be able to take my beloved dining room set with me. A friend has her buffet and hutch in her living room. I would rather lose mine then do that.  No, I will find a place with room for my furniture.  I just need a place to consign my inventory.  Then I wont have to store it. I will just have to stop on my way to the post office to get what I need to mail.  There are only a couple of options around here for that.  I wish I knew what post office I will be closest to.

It all came down to the fact that I would rather be alone. I gave up a week alone at home to come to Seattle with himand knew the first evening that I would have been better off at home.

I may hang out until after the holidays. We are no longer sharing a room and it is mostly peaceful. He is very close to his grandma who is no longer eating. I have 3 grandkids and would like to have Christmas in a big house. I will be looking for a place though, and if the right opportunity presents itself I will jump on it.

It all looks so clear from this hotel room.

love and respect

For weeks now my daughter has been telling me to visit lovenandrespect.com. Her and her partner learned about it at a christian relationship counseling group they went to. They had a very high conflict relationship as well until then. The change in both of them is remarkable. He is 28 and she is 22. He has 2 children and they are having one together soon. Those youngsters are some smart ones. I am so proud of them both.

Yesterday I went to my brothers church. I’m a christian but have traditionally had big difference with other believers. I don’t believe that bible has been unchanged and is all God’s word. I also think hell is as real as getting hair on your palms from masturbating, or your face getting stuck in a grimace. I left before the sermon but the music was out of this world great! It was so nice to see so many old friends too. Unfortunately I just cried the whole time.

When I got home I checked out loveandrespect.com. My daughter was sooooo right about it being amazing. The PHD preacher dude may be on to something. I wasn’t looking for marriage saving stuff even. I was just trying to find my self respect and dignity. I haven’t been acting at all in a way I am proud of. In my time with hubby I have become quite good at biting back. I can jump up and down and scream with the best of ‘em now. Clever quips became fun daggers to shoot at him and later share with friends. I’m pretty ashamed of my behavior now so its time to do things differently.

On the advice of the phd preacher dude I apologized to hubby for being so disrespectful acting towards him, told him I am working on myself, and asked him for forgiveness. Phd preacher dude says that if a gal does that the guy will soften right away. It didn’t exactly go down that easy, but after a hour or so of him crazy making he realized I wasn’t playing and he then softened.

I can’t imagine who couldn’t benefit from love and respect teachings. One of the examples of how men and women are different was that when a woman says she has nothing to wear she means she has nothing new to wear, and when a man says it he means he has nothing clean. phd preacher dude says that women look through pink glasses, have pick hearing aids, and speak through a pink megaphone. For men he calls it blue glasses, hearing aids and megaphone. I forwarded a couple of the few minute long free “movies” on the site to hubby, sure somehow I would offend him. Everything I do seems to offend him anyway. Well, guess what? He loves the site too!
Sure no guarantees here about growing old together. Trust is broken and that just sucks. Even when trust was intact marriage to him was incredibly hard.

Today things are calmer and I feel like I am being true to myself. That’s good enough for now.

I should read this before posting it. I’m sure it is a little scattered. Writing has never been my strong suit. I’m still not quite sure why I am doing a public diary. Maybe I’m tired of secrets.

oh, and do laundry, separate those clothes.

This morning I’ve been looking for other blogs to read. All I have discovered is that I don’t know what I’m looking for.

First I searched for “borderline personality.” It’s not me that has it and I don’t care about his troubles. If you love me be nice to me, pretty easy I think.
Maybe I’ll look next for rooms with gabled ceilings decorated in a slightly victorian way. I’m a minimalist but I want my rooms up here to be pretty. I have decided to install a closet in the smaller room, and make room for the wee grandbabies play ‘pak cribs. I’m going to bring all of my things out of his bedroom up here and move my office up. He can have the “family”room. I’m going to put the playroom things into my living room, it has no tv and needs more life.
I hope to make a deal this week with a local shopkeep. She wants to sell my stuff on consignment. At this point extra sales or not, I wouldn’t mind her storing my inventory.

I haven’t heard a word from the spouse. His dad left a voicemail about fishing today. If they do that I will have some good time available to move myself out of his bedroom.

I wonder if I’m numb or if I really don’t care anymore?

lying, loving, hating

I should start at the beginning, wherever that it. I am married to a man who has had crazy relationship troubles in the past. He waffles between nice and not. He is currently in therapy and being looked at for a diagnosis of Borderline Personality disorder. He’s a Gemini as well, and I am a Virgo.

I am supposed to be starting a Dialectal Behavior Treatment “DBT” group next week. One of the things DBT teaches is distress tolerance. I could sure use that, living with him. There’s a book called ” I hate you, Don’t leave me.” that very much sums up how this marriage goes.

A couple months ago he tried to kill himself. A week ago he told me he was going to his grandmas house, when he was really 50 miles away trying to meet the other woman. Today I am in bed sick. He told me he was going to go see his mom and his grandma. Several hours he returned, waking me up. I asked him how is family was. He told me that he didn’t see them, and nonchalantly told me he lied to me again.

I know he is a sick man. Still, is there anyway here I can think that he wants me? He says he loves me and wants to grow old with me. If he would just show it, I would gladly believe it.

He is frequently disrespectful to me. He wont go anywhere with me, save the occasional grocery store. He couldn’t care less about being kind to me. I listen to his stupid words and think we can make it, that just a bit more therapy will help. That one day he will learn how to share his feelings. Well, wake up lady, he has. Just a week ago he was promising no more lies. Today he boasts of lying to me.

I deserve better. He’s a fantastic lover and I love him. Those are pretty big things, but they aren’t close to enough. Last week it was discovered that neither of us is willing to give up our house. It’s a good thing it’s a big house. Whatever it is, it’s on.

Friday I caught him cheating!

His cheating was unfulfilling for him, because the woman he met on Ashley Madison, and had befriended on facebook and their mafia wars, as well as exchanging email addresses and cell numbers. We were both lucky I caught him at that point.

He has never handled my anger well. This was the worst he has ever seen too. After being busted he was being all cocky and refusing to come home, until I remembered what I would have done as a young woman and started blowing up his phone, threatening to destroy our home. Then he returned briefly. I was yelling a good bit, and he took off…in my car. I only had a door key fob for his. He brought my car back after I made him understand that the longer he was gone the more of his crap was being thrown from his vehicle to the street. It was insane. He called me as many names as I called him. I am 45 and he is 49. We aren’t new at this. We are just plain crazy together.

I would have left anyone before him for this, in one hot second.  He and I talked it out over a couple days. I moved into the guest room until I had an itch I needed help with   I’m kind of like a man when it comes to that. I don’t need to feel good to feel good at all.  We are finally talking better then ever before and he has actually shown a tad of empathy an instance or two now. We are both in therapy and are hoping to rebuild our marriage.  Right now we know that we love each other and that neither of us intends to ever move from our home.

I’m back in our bedroom, but still have stuff in the guest room. I’ve been calling it my room. I just need to have the option right now. We have always given each other lots of freedom. He has been gone the past couple of nights and now I don’t trust him. I am so angry about that. I want my freedom and I wont be one of those women who spy, nag, or beg for love.  I’m keeping the other bedroom until I trust him again, in case it never happens.

I have loved him forever. Had I not been raised a lady, he would have been mine at 18 instead of waiting until I was 40ish. Forever I will love him. It will be as a friend if it has to be.  I pray it is more. I pray to trust him again.

Hello world!

Lets see if writing helps me navigate marriage to a man with Borderline Personality.